Long time no post. I’m here to share the final installation of my “personal update” trilogy, following my part 1 about winding down digital nomading and part 2 about getting engaged. This also serves as an explanation for why I haven’t posted here in such a long time.
It starts off with bad news, then gets better.
“While we greatly appreciate your contributions to the company…”
In Sept. 2023, my longtime employer, Heap, was acquired by Contentsquare. I was in Paris with my partner when I got the news. I was very emotionally invested in my job (too much so, in hindsight) so this shake-up left me feeling uncertain and filled with dread.
In Dec. 2023, my dread would be validated when I got a short-notice invite to a meeting with HR. Thanks to a reduction in force of 21% of the company, my role was eliminated. As soon as they finished talking, I burst into tears.
Spring, the season of dread
Though I was given an exceptionally long timeline to find my next job (my actual last day was April 30) and a generous severance package, it made Dec-April a very anxious time. The tech market was (and still is) incredibly competitive thank to to endless waves of layoffs. I submitted dozens of applications, had multiple interviews turn into dead ends, and endlessly revised my resume.
I don’t know how to describe what it was like to keep working for an employer that’s laid you off while also job searching in such a bleak market. While I was grateful for the steady paychecks, it made it very difficult for me to enjoy free time. I felt guilty for every moment I spent not job searching, and shame that I hadn’t gotten a new job soon enough. My self-esteemed spiraled as I did my best to exude confidence on interview calls.
I tracked my open applications in a Notion database, feeling discouraged by my response rate. Here’s a snippet of some of my applications from March 2024, by which time I was in a full-scale panic.
By mid-March, my luck changed. I went through four full interview processes over four weeks (not a life experience I recommend) and wound up receiving two job offers. Though one paid slightly more, I accepted the other based on the feeling I had about the people, especially my manager and team. I signed my offer letter on April 27, just three days before my last official day at Heap.
May, the month of rediscovering joy
When I accepted my offer, I picked my start date to allow for four weeks of time between. This would give me time to rest, heal, and maybe have some adventures.
May 1st came, and I felt… empty. I didn’t know how to feel, or act, without the structure of my job. What was I supposed to do on weekdays? It sounds pathetic, but I struggled a lot. It forced me to reckon with how much of my identity I’d wrapped around my work, and how much of my self-esteem relied upon my employment. Without it, I didn’t know what to do, or who I was.
I took very few photos that week, which is unlike me; I generally love capturing the world around me. Here’s one of the only ones, on one of my most depressed days, of the cat who’s gotten me through so much.
As my body began to recover from the stress and exhaustion of the past few months, I started to rediscover sparks of joy. One day in week two, I took myself out to a café and enjoyed matcha and pastries while journaling. I finally finished a webcomic series I used to read (Cursed Princess Club, which is wonderful). I got back into hiking, going out into nature for hours at a time, every single day.
By week three, I was feeling ready to face the world again. As a birthday gift to myself, I took a trip to Taiwan. During that week, I toured an oolong tea farm (including a tea tasting), soaked in the Beitou hot springs, visited the village that inspired Spirited Away, and ate lots of delicous dumplings, noodles, and night market snacks. Though I know it sounds very Eat Pray Love, that trip reaffirmed by ability to be brave and adventurous in the face of life’s uncertainties.
After the trip, I spent my final week of in-between time cleaning, reorganizing, and donating. While that may sound mundane, for me, it was a way to reclaim the energy of my space, after working remotely for Heap in that same part of my apartment for so long. I put up new posters, adorned my laptop with stickers, and re-arranged my desk.
All of these moments helped to center me back into my own energy, and reaffirm all the things I love about myself outside of my profession. I also spent time writing up a series of personal affirmations, which are truths about me as a person that no one can take from me, which I review often.
By day one of my new job, I felt energized, confident, and healthy. Though it felt weird re-entering corporate life, it also felt good to have new challenges, a new routine, new colleagues, and of course, a steady paycheck. Here’s a braggy photo I took during my first week, in which it all still felt a bit surreal.
Newly employed (with healthy boundaries)
Onboarding for my new job was a whirlwind, one which filled my brain with fresh anxieties. Did my new colleagues like me? Was I living up to the expectations they’d had when choosing to hire me? I had so much to learn: acronyms, processes, tools, and social norms. I flew to Raleigh, where my employer is based, and participated in non-stop meetings for three days straight.
It was exhausting, but also exhilarating; I do enjoy having a professional life filled with fulfilling challenges that make me feel like my brain is firing on all cylinders. It felt (and still feels) great to be back in business again.
I’ve been in my new job for two months now, and I’m happy to say I’ve maintained healthier boundaries. Though I’ve gotten emotionally invested – and why wouldn’t I? I’m proud of my work, I like my team, I appreciate the work we’re doing – I also take days off, fully disconnect in the evenings, and journal most days to commune with my inner self. I’ve also kept up my hiking regimen on the weekends.
Last but not least, I rediscovered my love for writing. Which lead me back to this blog.
Depression and low self-esteem have kept me from posting in here for the past few months. Publishing this post is a milestone in my recovery. I’m back, y’all, and I have a lot to share. Though for now, I’m going to sign off and play some Tears of the Kingdom. It’s one of the many sparks of joy in my life.
To all of you who are still going through it…
My story has a happy ending; I’m lucky to be employed right now. Way too many folks in my network are in much worse situations, enduring months of unemployment. I want you to know: I see you, I’m with you, and you deserve your happy ending, too.
Though I’m no expert at getting hired, here are some things that helped me in my recent job search.
- Reading The 5 Stages of Laid Off (+ advice) which was shared in a job search support community I’m in. It was incredibly cathartic, and helped me process my own feelings and take those first steps towards recovery.
- Joining (and participating in) job search communities. The ones I’m in are specific to my community: Write The Docs and Content + UX are fairly active and full of hiring managers to get referrals from.
- Applying for jobs right after they were posted. I found that my response rate was a lot higher when applying for jobs the day that they were posted. This does require watching job boards daily, which is annoying and draining.
- Having a public writing portfolio. Having a portfolio made it easy for hiring managers to check out my work and writing style, which resulted in some inbound leads.
- Share your expertise. If you have the energy, going to events, writing blog/LinkedIn posts, and giving talks is a great way to boost your professional brand. The talk I gave last year helped me stand out in interviews.
The job I wound up accepting is one I first spotted in Write The Docs, and applied for the day it was posted. My writing portfolio came in handy when answering interview questions, and several interviewers said they were impressed by the talk I’d given last year. This was also true for several other jobs I interviewed for.
I know lots of folks who have found success leveraging LinkedIn Premium, AI resume writing tools, applying for jobs above or below their level, and other resources. If you have advice to share that specifically worked for you, please feel free to share it in a comment or DM. Supporting one another is one of the easiest, and best things we can do, after all.